I've been waiting for this email for four hours. I have no idea what it will contain, all I know is that it is supposed to "explain it all" so he says. I figure it could go in one of two ways, but have no idea which one it will be. I don't even know which one I want it to be. I actually am unable to sort out how I feel right now, and that's the only reason I'm writing this.. is so I can at least try and then look back and what it was like before what I will read.

I can't deny that a small part of me wants everything to work out with him. I just can't see a clear way for that to happen at this point, and I'm so mad, frustrated, and hurt by everything that a large part of me just wants to move on. Baker means a lot to me sadly, and I do love him, but he hurts me so much and doesn't treat me the way I feel I should be treated. So all these leaves me very torn. There still remains the thoughts of him being the one I want to spend a very long time with, except so much of me is rejecting that because of the pain he has dealt.

If it's "good" news.. it will probably say that he has made mistakes and has found solutions and thus a way for us to work out. That would be the "best" scenario in the sense of us. I quote it because I don't know if that's actually "good" or the "best" for me. If it was though, I suppose we'd make things work and that would be that.

The "worst" case scenario would probably be him admitting to lying to me or something like that.. and that he did in fact use me over the break and etc. Again though, I say "worst" with quotations because if he were to say these "bad" things, it would be no good for us. A large part of me almost wants this option though, because then I can be mad, be hurt, but get over it. I can't get over him while he still loves me. I know that if he does something really really horrible (as in a little worse than what he has done this time) I will be able to stop loving him in time. I don't want to love somebody that hurts me.

So thus is my situation.. Will he hurt me? Should I love him? I don't know anything anymore..

I realized today, on Christmas day, that I hate my mother. I had said it before, but always dismissed such a strong feeling because I had nothing to back it up with; I had no reason. But today it came to me, and when I think about it, I believe it is justification for all of the spite I feel. I had always thought my mother to be a moody person because she would switch between the gears of upbeat and kind to snappy and unpleasant so easily. Today over turkey dinner (of which I had none since I stopped eating meat in September), anything I said lightheartedly or as a jest was quickly yelled at by her, yet when my younger brother of 16 would say something she would be entirely cordial. I realized that this was not moodiness, no. It had to do with me as a person; me as a child. It was at that moment over Christmas dinner with my family that I realized I was not loved. Not to say I did not receive any love, but nonetheless it was not complete love. I realized that to my mother I was a disappointment. Surely though this is not the sense most would use in such a circumstance: I graduated top of my highschool class last June, am doing surprisingly well in University so far, have never been pregnant, never done drugs.. the list goes on. As far as children go, most people would tell my mother that she was lucky. To that she would smile and agree, but inside part of her cannot fully accept such a statement. This is because she loves a child that is not me. She loves the child, not the person that I am. You must understand how sheltered and restricted I have been in comparison to my peers in order to entirely see my side of this.. but the key part of this little story is that my mother does not love me as an adult. I am not able to have responsibility over myself yet because she cannot trust the stranger in front of her that she does not love. She looks at me and sees a disappointment - not because of anything in particular that I've done on my own will, no, she has forgiven any mistakes I have made, but rather because I have grown up. So thus I am stuck in a place of misery for I am being punished for something that I had no control over. Inside, part of me wants to confront her, to yell to her face all these things I feel. I want so badly to tell her that the reason I went to school 7 hours away was to get away from her. I want to let her know just how much she has made me hate her, yet I know that this will not solve or help anything. I don't know what to do in such a situation though.. I feel like I should just give up most of the time. It makes me miserable though, and she may think it will make her happy if I conform to her ideals, but in reality I do believe that seeing me in misery will torment her. Perhaps when she sees that what she is doing causes me so much pain she will understand. For now though I choose to escape, to go back to school where I do not need to see her condescending glares or hear her unapproving tone. I will go back to a place where I can actually be myself.

Oh boy.. what have I gotten myself into.. lol.

Guh.

I like him, but I am pretty sure I'm going to screw it up. And I'm definitely not used to going about things this way; I actually feel awkward which I never used to have to worry about. I guess it's because I feel so cautious and tentative. If this gets messed, which is highly likely, I'll lose so much more than the person I'm seeing. I'll lose the best friend I have here and that's why it's so complicated. It's also so different from anything else I've ever done before, which is mainly which I'm doing it.. because nothing I have done thusfar has been good for me lol. I get really giddy thinking about having somebody who wants to be with me, but I am SO tense and awkward around him. It's fucked.

Annnnd I need to study for my microeconomics exam tomorrow.. but I know that all I'll get done tonight is spending the entire time with him. Not that it's a bad thing. It's just a messed up thing.

Eh well I knew it quite a while ago.. it ended lol.

I wonder why I "lol", and I guess it's because I find it so ironic.. and because laughing at it is a lot better than crying, or being angry. I've never really seemed to have good timing in life though.. what with exams getting on my nerves.. This was definitely the last thing I needed. However now that it is "resolved" in a strange way, I feel a bit relieved. I can move on now. It's tough but so I am, so yeah.

It's for the best I think though, he wasn't the greatest boyfriend anyway when I look back at it. Live and learn eh?

It's pretty messed up when you don't know why you're doing what you're doing.

Or when you know what you're doing is bad, yet you still do it.

I'm not really sure what's going on, and it was really upsetting me earlier.. but now I've just sort of come to terms with it and stopped caring. Guh. I've got problems now, except they're not really problems because I'm not treating them like problems. Instead to me they're just things in me that have changed.. different choices, different feelings, that kind of thing. I'm happier doing it this way then when I was freaking out about it all, I'm just worried about how I'll feel down the road. I can't just ignore what's going on forever.

Luckily one of my major stresses - my midterm exams - will be over come November. Unfortunately the other major stress I'm facing is much less certain. My deep feelings about it haven't changed other than the surface emotions of anger at the start, but now that those are gone I'm just left with a lot of apathy. Apathy is bad, especially for me.

So, all that being said I think that I'm too stubborn to change my approach to this all, and if things continue in this way then the whole thing will become meaningless. Meaninglessness means the end, and that will mean a lot of sadness (or at least it should). Sighs. I don't want the end, and I don't want this either. I just don't want to give in.